So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
