my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize