Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
