when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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