There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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