Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
