Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize