My liver just broke up with me...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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