he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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