phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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