it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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