If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
