I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
