She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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