Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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