it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
