I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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