woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
