Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
