I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
