I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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