the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
