Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
