can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
