There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
