you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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