Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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