If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
