Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
