My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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