her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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