I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
