I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
