four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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