I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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