he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
