I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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