theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
