my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
