I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
