How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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