I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You pole danced in your parka.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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