we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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