Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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