cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
