i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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