I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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