i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Drake has all the answers
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
