Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize