dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
