Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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