Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize