How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
