batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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