im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
