walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
His hands were made for my vagina.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
