A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
